The Oscars™ fascinate me. I’ve been watching the telecasts (sometimes, hate-watching it) for many, many years. What can I say? I love seeing millionaires congratulate one another. If you’re a cinephile like me, you’re probably frustrated like me, since The Academy™ seems to get it wrong most of the time. Sometimes it seems it’s a popularity contest, not an artistic achievement accolade.
I still watch it anyway. I’ve been listing some tips on how to accept an Oscar (you know, just in case). Here’s my advice.
So you have won an Oscar™, but don’t know what to say. Here’s a handy list so you don’t freeze and billions of already bored people boo you.
Thank You tips:
Whoever you are, thank The Academy™!
If you’re an actor:
- The director, producer, screenwriter
- “The crew”—you don’t know their names anyway, so “the crew” should suffice
- Your cast, especially if one of your castmates was snubbed—essentially telling The Academy™ they were right about you but wrong about your friend
- If you like to see the other nominees squirm and smile forcibly, thank them
- If you’re Meryl Streep, thank your hairdresser and make up artist—and try not to look jaded!
- If you’re a megastar, don’t thank anyone, just ramble on for four or five minutes. The orchestra will NOT cut you off
- Your spouse, kids, parents
- Do NOT thank ex-spouses, even if you can remember all their names
- Your agent
- The historical figure/dying person/prostitute you portrayed in the movie (if you didn’t portray any of those, please warn The Academy ™ immediately about their mistake and return your Oscar™)
If you’re a director:
- The money, i.e., the producer
- Billy Wilder
If you’re a technician:
- The director
- The director’s vision and brilliance
- You have EXACTLY thirty seconds. The orchestra WILL cut you off.
If you’re the producer:
- You’re the billionaire who has just won immortality. We’ve been at it for over three hours now. Say whatever you want. Nobody will listen. We just want it to be over.
Other rules:
- You MUST include a throwaway curse word—nobody will take you seriously (or tweet about you) if you don’t
- If you speak a language other than English, you MUST say some words in that language
- DO NOT kiss Halle Berry without her permission–that’s not cool
- You MUST weigh the Oscar™ in your hand and stare at it for a couple of seconds
- Unless your life story is better than the movie you are in, don’t tell it
- You also MUST pause as if wondering what to say before doing the speech you’ve been rehearsing in front of the mirror for the last 15 years
You’re welcome.
Do you have any tips? Or a favorite this year? (mine is “Life of Pi”). Please share!
These are great, Fabio! I haven’t watched the Oscars in years, but I did a film appreciation project in college on them. I’ve read and seen enough speeches to last me for a while.
I really want to see an actor/actress thank their plastic surgeon. “Without whom I wouldn’t have this career…” A few tears while expressing gratitude would be a nice touch. Just sayin’.
That would be awesome, Julie! “I’d like to thank my tanning salon technician, my personal trainer, my publicist…”
The actors have my sympathy, though. It must be hard. They are talented artists, but looking young and beautiful is part of their jobs, so to speak.
It’s been a long time since I’ve watched the Oscars, but I’ve been to the RITA Awards – which is the Romance Writers of America’s equivalent to the Oscars, only for books! There, it’s practically obligatory to thank one’s spouse, agent, and editor, in that order. I’m waiting for the day an indie-published author takes home a RITA and only has an editor s/he paid to thank! Oh yeah, maybe still the husband.
LOL, good point, Jen! I’m still awaiting for an award–any award–recipient to declare “I did it all by myself!” (jokingly or not)
That would garner some tweets…
That’s why Emma Thompson’s acceptance speech, a letter she wrote as Jane Austen to the Sense and Sensibility producer, is still the best acceptance speech.
And while you can’t kiss Halle Berry, you can jump up and down on the furniture ala Bernardo Bertolucci from Life is Beautiful. That’s a happy Oscar moment.
And my Oscar pick: Officially – Lincoln. Personally – Silver Linings Playbook.
I remember her letter, but not what it said. I’ll look it up on YouTube later!
The geek in me tells me it was Roberto Benigni who jumped, by the way.
I loved, loved your post with the picks, Jess!
“You MUST weigh the Oscar™ in your hand and stare at it for a couple of seconds”
Hee!
When I win my Oscar, Fabio, I am totally going to say, “I thought it’d be heavier.”
(Thanks for the needed laugh this AM
)
Amber, you could also say, “Is that it? Meh.”
If you win, please give me a shout out!
This is awesome, Fabio. I would personally rather be water-boarded again than sit through any Hollywood award shows, but I must say your take is spot-on. And very funny!
Tip: Begin with how unexpected your win is, and the dive right into the poem you wrote and memorized for the occasion. Wrap it up with a tearful smile and tell Morgan Freeman you would have never risen to such dizzying heights of success without his inspiration, and then… Crap, I think I hear the orchestra.
The last line is my favorite. Yes, they’re actors, but they’re not fooling anyone!
I know, right? Even non-actors practice their Oscar acceptance speeches. I already wrote mine