The Oscars™ fascinate me. I’ve been watching the telecasts (sometimes, hate-watching it) for many, many years. What can I say? I love seeing millionaires congratulate one another. If you’re a cinephile like me, you’re probably frustrated like me, since The Academy™ seems to get it wrong most of the time. Sometimes it seems it’s a popularity contest, not an artistic achievement accolade.
I still watch it anyway. I’ve been listing some tips on how to accept an Oscar (you know, just in case). Here’s my advice.
So you have won an Oscar™, but don’t know what to say. Here’s a handy list so you don’t freeze and billions of already bored people boo you.
Thank You tips:
Whoever you are, thank The Academy™!
If you’re an actor:
- The director, producer, screenwriter
- “The crew”—you don’t know their names anyway, so “the crew” should suffice
- Your cast, especially if one of your castmates was snubbed—essentially telling The Academy™ they were right about you but wrong about your friend
- If you like to see the other nominees squirm and smile forcibly, thank them
- If you’re Meryl Streep, thank your hairdresser and make up artist—and try not to look jaded!
- If you’re a megastar, don’t thank anyone, just ramble on for four or five minutes. The orchestra will NOT cut you off
- Your spouse, kids, parents
- Do NOT thank ex-spouses, even if you can remember all their names
- Your agent
- The historical figure/dying person/prostitute you portrayed in the movie (if you didn’t portray any of those, please warn The Academy ™ immediately about their mistake and return your Oscar™)
If you’re a director:
- The money, i.e., the producer
- Billy Wilder
If you’re a technician:
- The director
- The director’s vision and brilliance
- You have EXACTLY thirty seconds. The orchestra WILL cut you off.
If you’re the producer:
- You’re the billionaire who has just won immortality. We’ve been at it for over three hours now. Say whatever you want. Nobody will listen. We just want it to be over.
- You MUST include a throwaway curse word—nobody will take you seriously (or tweet about you) if you don’t
- If you speak a language other than English, you MUST say some words in that language
- DO NOT kiss Halle Berry without her permission–that’s not cool
- You MUST weigh the Oscar™ in your hand and stare at it for a couple of seconds
- Unless your life story is better than the movie you are in, don’t tell it
- You also MUST pause as if wondering what to say before doing the speech you’ve been rehearsing in front of the mirror for the last 15 years
Do you have any tips? Or a favorite this year? (mine is “Life of Pi”). Please share!